


Izard's Gizzards

by StellarLibraryLady



Series: Library Antics [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Desert Animals, Food Humor, Gen, Humor, Road Kill Cafe, Tongue-in-Cheek Finger-in-Throat Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 00:09:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7662559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tongue-in-cheek menu for a road kill cafe located in the desert along I-40.  Let Izard the Lizard be your host for a unique dining experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Izard's Gizzards

**Author's Note:**

> For the real-life "Tim" for whom it was written, and who is now sharing with everyone.

C H E F

I Z A R D

I N V I T E S

Y O U !

For Your Dining Pleasure

Welcome to

IZARD’S GIZZARDS

Izard’s Gizzards Is a Premier Road Kill Café  


Conveniently located just off I-40

“So close to your table that your meal may still be quivering!”

Our menu features a wide variety of mouth-watering items that are guaranteed to challenge even the most discriminating palate.

Bon Appetit!

 

ENTREES

Our succulent entrees are offered at two attractive prices:  


$10.95 (for those who savor the gourmet presentation)  
$14.95 (for the plebeians who want the fur and innards removed)

Old Coyote (He was half-blind anyway.)

Romantic Jack Rabbit (He’ll never check out another jack rabbit doe’s cotton tail.)

Sage Hen Playing Dead (Ain’t playing dead anymore!)

Opossum (Him, neither!)

Rattlesnake Kebobs (Shouldn’t have tried racing a pickup across a cattle guard.)

Dead Dillo (Armadillo armor’s no match for an eighteen wheeler.)

Slow Antelope (Leaping that last fence tore off a hind leg. Put him off his stride.)

Meandering Turtle (Taken out by a jubilant Volkswagen. At last! A kill!)

Bug juice available for all entrees. Dried blood sprinkles are extra.

Great choices, or try our Deep Ditch Special! For the connoisseur who prefers the naturally aged dining experience. And isn’t too picky about health regulations. (Hospital plan included. And recommended.) Selections collected once a week along animal trails. Especially abundant choices are available during breeding season and periods of semi-annual migrations when animal instincts and libidos are otherwise compromised. (10% discount if patron can identify original species of carcass. They blend so easily.)

 

APPETIZERS -Tease Your Taste Buds for Only $2.95!

Bugs ala Splat! (Served on the cracked and dirty windshield of a ‘56 Packard.)

Buzzard Pellets (What we feed the buzzards. Not to be confused with the buzzard-produced pellets used as garnishes in our salads and entrees.)

 

SALADS - Get Healthy Mother Nature’s Way!

Side Salad - A wide variety of naturally and organically grown native plant materials that have been cultivated by Mother Nature herself and meticulously watered by passing vehicles to create our exclusive road-edge greenery. Additional pollutants from internal combustion engines and excreted animal salts whimsically added have been combined to provide a rich plethora of unique tastes and textures. All yours for $3.95!

Dinner Salad - An interesting mixture of road-edge greenery enhanced by animal parts that didn’t make it to the table as an entrée (claws, tails, snouts, etc.) For a delightful crunch, try our dinner salad! Anticipate the unexpected! Great for dieters! (They never can seem to finish their bowlful!) Accruements changing daily (depending on what’s out there). For the embarrassingly small sum of $7.95!

Exclusive to Izard’s Gizzards!  
Our house salad dressings are a departure from the traditional. Lovingly blended from our carefully guarded family recipes, our secret ingredients will never be divulged. We do, however, take great pride in our reputation that no part of an animal carcass is ever wasted. That’s the Izard Family guarantee!

 

DESSERTS - Too Sweet for Words!

Honey Bee Delight (Picked off vehicle grills daily and marinated in honey scraped off vehicle hoods) - $4.95

Old Trail Cow Pies - Make an offer.

 

DRINKS - The Elixir of Life!

Fruit Ade - $1.50 per 12 oz. glass - Exciting blends of exotic flavors. Disclaimer : Scientists are still determining origin of plants used and their effects on humans. We say, Be adventuresome! Try our Fruit Ade! How else can we be pioneers, nowadays?

Tequila - $5.00 a shot (One drink kills mouth-borne contaminants. Two drinks, and you forget all about the contaminants and their dangers.)

Alka Seltzer - $15.00 a shot (Sounds pricey, but it’s a runaway house favorite. People can’t seem to get enough of it!)

 

PARTY! PARTY!

And now Izard’s Gizzards isn’t just for dining anymore! Enjoy our vast array of activities planned with you in mind. There’s something for everyone in the family!

The elderly will enjoy testing their speed crossing the Interstate. A free meal is offered to those who make it to the other side. (The other side of the road, that is. Not… well, you know.) The elderly seem to show a lot of spunk, God love’m! They really get out there and hustle! Bless their hearts, some of them are pretty agile, too, with those canes and walkers. But we haven’t had to pay up with a meal yet. The oldsters just can’t seem to make that… last… few… feet….

Meanwhile, Mom and Dad can relax while the kiddies enjoy play dates with exotic desert creatures such as Gila monsters, scorpions, tarantulas, and rattlesnakes. This activity also helps children develop dexterity and resourcefulness, especially when their little animal friends decide they don’t want to play anymore and insist on leaving.

And when it’s time to eat, why not make a game of it? Be the first in your family to find your own dinner alongside the road! (Clubs are provided for your use if your selection is still conscious enough to resist and protests your advances. You’ll feel like a mighty hunter! And what a thrill to know that the little fellah was quite a scrapper!)

As your thoughts turn to when you must leave us, you can smile to yourself in pleased satisfaction. Just think of the memories you have made! Anticipation builds when you realize the hours it will take to relate all of your experiences! And it’s all down on film! Members of your audience will not need to use their imaginations. Now they can relive the excitement with you! AND IN GLORIOUS COLOR AND STATE OF THE ART SOUND! (Locks for doors and windows are provided in case your audience playfully refuses to participate. There‘s clowns at every party.) And imagine the envy of your co-workers back home! All of this could have theirs, too, but they chose to waste their vacations in Paris and Cancun. Or shiver in delight as you envision Uncle Fred’s reaction when he learns what’s really in that Old West treat that you’ve just fed to him!

Yes, a visit to Izard’s Gizzards will long be remembered (by those who survived it).

And remember to do your part! Even though you’re leaving us, you can participate in our proud tradition! As you gear up and prepare to aim your vehicle down the Open Road, watch for unsuspecting wildlife approaching traffic. Then think of our motto:

Don’t swerve!  


Don’t brake!  


Make that move  


It’s last mistake!  


See you at Izard’s!  


It’s only natural!


End file.
